Sunday, December 25, 2011

Fucking Santa

Okay, there's a good reason I opted to have the adults only warning upon entering this blog.  Case in point is the title of my latest story at David Barber's Flash Fiction Offensive.  I guess it is safe to tell you the name of my story is Fucking in somebody actually fucking...Santa.

I know you were probably thinking, nay...hoping that the title was indicative of an expression of anger.  As in, "I didn't get a pony for Christmas?  Fucking Santa!"

But no, as you will find out when you read it; Fucking Santa is about, well, fucking Santa.  Go ahead and enjoy.  You have a whole year to get your name back on the "nice" list.

Thursday, December 22, 2011



He's making a list, he's checking it twice, and if you've been naughty your Christmas won't be so nice.  According to ancient German folklore, while St. Nicholas was visiting the homes of good little girls and boys to reward them with toys and sweets, Krampus visited the bad children to mete out their punishment.

Sometimes Krampus would leave coal and switches in a naughty child's boots for their parents to swat them with.  Those were the kids that got off easy.

Krampus carried switches to punish you with himself if you were bad enough.  Imagine waking to a hoofed and horned demon with red eyes and a forked tongue, pulling you out of bed to lash your hide.

Worse yet, sometimes Krampus would bring a wash tub to drown you in, or a sack to carry you off to a cave where he would eat you.  The very worst boys and girls would be dragged out of their beds and carried to Hell.

Christmastime had something for everyone to look forward to.

Saturday, December 17, 2011

THUG OF THE DAY: Erzsébet  "BLOOD QUEEN" Báthory  

Ladies, the next time you hear someone whining about the cruel animal testing your favorite cosmetic company performs just so you can hold on to your youthful visage, throw this one in their face.

The nefarious "Blood Countess" of Hungary was willing to go the extra evil mile to preserve her beauty.  Erzsébet Báthory (1560-1614) bathed in the blood of her victims in an effort to turn the clock back on aging.

The Blood Countess was rumored to have tortured and killed over 650 young women along with four of her friends who all happened to be fans of the occult.

While the body count and the blood baths may have been inflated to bolster her evil image, the countess was found guilty of only 80 murders.  But since she didn't show up for the trial, she was never convicted.

Bloody Liz may have escaped the fate of her collaborators, who were all put to death immediately, but Hungary's Finest caught up with her at home eventually.  Her aristocratic status saved her from immediate death, but it didn't save her from being imprisoned for the rest of her life in a room in her own castle.

King Matthias sent the royal masons to brick her up, leaving a couple of small slits to pass food through.  The bitch lived for four years after that.

In the height of her gruesome activities, the countess mutilated the hands, faces and genitalia of her victims.  She tortured them with fire, blades, and needles.  Sometimes she would bite the flesh off from their faces and arms or perform bizarre surgeries on them while they were alive.

She appeared to turn it over to the Lord in her final days, and was reportedly heard singing religious hymns and praying to God before her death.

But after she died a paper was found that she had written a prayer to the devil on, imploring the prince of darkness to send 99 cats to kill King Matthias and the people who had brought her to justice.  Crazy kid.

Tuesday, December 13, 2011

In Hopes That St. Nicholas...

Yes, boys and girls, it's that most wonderful time of the year....ho,ho,ho, and mistletoe...pine trees and dancing lights, candy canes and warm cookies.  And don't forget old Santa Claus.  That jolly old elf comes down the chimney to bring presents and happiness and double fisted vigilante justice to good little kiddies all over the world.

My present to you is my latest story at David Barber's The Flash Fiction Offensive.  READ IT OR ELSE!!!  And have yourself a Merry Little Christmas.

Saturday, December 10, 2011

THUG OF THE DAY:                              JIMMY "THE GENT" BURKE
You probably think of a slicked back Robert DeNiro in a sharkskin suit in the film, "Goodfellas" when you hear him mentioned.  But
The real Jimmy Burke (called Jimmy Conway in the movie) was not given his nickname because of the way he dressed, but for his habit of tipping the truck drivers whose cargo he hijacked.

He did take their driver's licenses so that they knew that he knew where they lived, but they got $50 to forget his face.

Jimmy was an associate of the Lucchese crime family and the alleged mastermind behind the infamous Lufthansa heist in 1978.  Jimmy and his crew stole approximately $6 million in currency and jewels from a cargo building at JFK International Airport.

It is likely that Jimmy was responsible for the murders of nine people following the heist to tie up loose ends and avoid being implicated in the crime and to keep more of the loot for himself.  Over the course of his career, Burke was rumored to be involved in over 50 murders, though he was only ever convicted of one.

Famous Mob turncoat, Henry Hill testified against his old friend and said that Burke had "whacked out" a drug dealer and con man by the name of Richard Eaton.

Sentenced to life in prison in 1985, Jimmy The Gent served over ten years at Wende Correctional Facility in Alden, NY.  He died in 1996 while being treated for lung cancer at Roswell Medical Center in Buffalo, NY.

Friday, December 2, 2011



 No need to check your eyes dear reader, the thug of the day is a beautiful female.  I searched far and wide for a bad girl worthy of the thug label, and I believe the late Miss Hill fits the criteria.

Virginia Hill (1916-1966) a.k.a. The Flamingo, was a classic gangster moll who was associated with Al Capone, Frank Nitti, and Bugsy Siegel; who she met when she left Chicago to chase her dream of being a Hollywood movie star.

She never made it to the silver screen, but she did make it to the wedding alter and got hitched to Bugsy in a quickie Mexican ceremony.

Virginia was extremely jealous and had a quick temper; two things that didn't mix well with Bugsy's philandering ways.  At one time she nearly dislocated actress Wendy Barrie's jaw when she found out Bugsy was messing around with her.

After Bugsy was murdered in a mob hit in the former home of Rudolph Valentino, Virginia stayed active in the underworld as a mob courier.

She was a star witness in the Kefauver Commission hearings.  When asked why she was so trusted by the mob, Virginia shocked the courtroom by replying, "that it was because of her unmatched talent for performing oral sex."

In 1961 she was out of money and in fear of both the Mob and the IRS, so she swallowed a handful of sleeping pills and laid down in a deep snowbank and took her final sleep.